A little bit of This "n" That

Posts tagged ‘Humour’

The Guyaitus


Yes well.                                                                                                                                                                                hiatus

Here we go. A Guyaitus is a made up term that my lovely friend the wrybride came up with after we chatted about the fact I have decided to go on a Man Hiatus.

Actually my best friend and I have decided to go on this Man Hiatus together. No, this does not mean we are going to turn suddenly into lesbian lovers (Even though this was a question asked a few Friday Nights back whilst we were out followed closely by “If you end up scissoring can we watch? ” ).

Please be reminded before you start to add some witty comment and call me a “Man Hater,” I in actual fact do not hate men in the slightest.  I just need a break from the bullshit.

The “Guyaitus” has resulted to recently poor choices within the males species department that we both seem to continually make.

It’s not a one off, seriously IT’S THE SAME THING EVERYTIME.

EVERYTIME.

Douchecanoes in disguise as Prince Charmings.

The last one oozed the charm, I’m talking it fell out of him quicker than a mudslide in India, and more fool me I believed every single word of it. That player basically won the gold prize in playing and I the gold in “Most gullible idiot in the world”.

No call. No Text . No Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  I’m guessing  he got the milk for free and decided it was too much hassle to hang on to the cow.

I admit I’m definitely not perfect, actually I can be a right bitch, but that’s a rarity. At least if I decide I don’t want to see you anymore I have the common courtesy to do it to your face in a public place . The reactions are always a surprise though the last one consisted of this:

Me: “So I can’t do this anymore”

Him: “ What, Stay out ? Do you want to go home?”

Me: “No. This, Us, whatever this is I can’t do this, I’ve had enough” .

Fair enough, Yes ?  Apparently not.

When questioned about what I was then off to do for the rest of the night I replied I wasn’t sure….

His reply “ Well, I’m going to sink a few more scotches and now that I’m out I may as well pick up”

Classy.

Who the fuck says that.  Boys. That’s who says that. Defensive boys who can’t handle the way of the grown ups.

You are probably thinking that my “Guyaitus” is based currently upon these two things, when in actual fact this has been an ongoing thing for around the past 18 months.

It’s actually trying and a little self destroying at times to think that the only men you find yourself with an interest in are the rather good looking ones who happened to have not received a self conscious when they were dropped upon the earth and their brains were wrongly inserted into the end of their dicks.

So for now the Guyaitus continues, until the option of not settling fades and the knight in shining armour rocks up.

New Years Resolutions Schmezolutions ..


1. Lose Weight

2. Stop Smoking

3. Stop Drinking

4.  Become Financially stable

5. Stay away from undesirable male persons.

The List  could go on.  Also ignore the above list. I am.

Also before you continue and correct my disrespect for the English Language I know I made up Schmezolutions , Im hoping it catches on for Twenty One Two (HOW SICK OF THAT ARE YOU ALREADY FOR GODS SAKE!) .

So many people see the New Year as a time to wipe the slate clean, have a fresh start, Buck up their ideas and get their shit together, I think its grand they do that each to their own . But I refuse to.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not raining on your parade if you’re one of the New Year’s Resolution Hoarders, But how often do we make these resolutions and then never follow through.

I’ve seen it.

I’ve seen the unused hired out Gym Equipment in apartments that not even a fucking Gerbil should be living in, let alone a couple who feel the need to consume cardboard flavoured cereal with a side of stomach bacteria accomapanied by a decafe weak soy latte with a splash of wheat grass. These remain untouched and in reality only make for the creation of amusing Youtube clips of the cat  running on it at full speed.

I’ve also seen the now “Non-Smokers” sneak around the corner and say ” Go on don’t tell anyone” then expect you the person who made the RIGHT decision (Even if it was for the sanity of others around you)  to ‘Bum’ them a cigarette.

ALCOHOL. WINE. BEER. VODKA. SCOTCH and GIN, To name a few. The Devil in Disguise is always going to get you. Especially if your one of “those” people who go out for  a ‘Quiet’ drink and the next day find some hairy backed mammoth in your bed, bruises in unexplainable  regions on your person and a pool of what can only be described as LAST NIGHTS KEBAB or something similar on your bathroom floor. Maybe quitting isn’t for you, how about trying out the term Moderation before you practise the art of Quitting.

Saving money is a serious Art form . I am incapable of doing this. If you can do this I applaud you. If you are male and can do this , I double applaud you.  I also want your phone number ……

Last Point MALE DOUCHEBAGS . There are so many to choose from, I’ve been there and done that as you are all well aware and so many of my Girlfriends have, along with the Blokes who go out with the Female equivalant.

It’s always going to happen. You can’t make a resolution to avoid  rubbish members of the opposite sex.

You have to kiss a lot of Frogs to find a prince.

So there will be no New Year Resolutions from me this year.

Just More Blogging.

Office Conversations


Work Colleague 1 : “Oh, I have lots of Male friends who I go out with”

Work Colleague 2: “Oh yeah, my girlfriend does as well, but she doesn’t really ever go out with them”

Me : “I have quite a few male friends, but I dont really go out with them anymore.”

Work Colleague 1 : ” Why’s that?”

Me : ” Because their wives don’t like me.”

Girl Conversations 2


Elizabeth Taylor died yesterday.

I had two friends over last night  over for wine when we found out, the conversation went like this :

Me: “OH Elizabeth Taylor Died”

Friend 1 :  “Oh really? At least she will be with Michael Jackson now.”

Friend 1: “Talking about dead people, Isn’t Zsa Zsa Gabor dead too? “

Me : “No, She’s alive and …… well not kicking as she only has one leg”.

Conversations With Mum.


After having a rather tiresome and extremely crapola week, I went out to dinner with my Mother last night. Yesterday Proved to be the worst day of my week. In her attempt to make me feel better this was part of the conversation with my Mother.

Me : “This week has seriously been the worst week Ive had in a long time”

Mum : “Why”

Me : “I can’t seem to do anything right, You know its that saying – Shit Happens”

Mum: ” Yes well they say that but then again you never expect Diarrhoea do you?’

My Bloody Valentine.


 

                                                                  

Oh, It’s that time of year again.

Valentines Day.

A day where you should over pamper, spoil, devote and display your affections of LOVE to that amazing one person.

It seems I’m not falling into that classification this year.

Yes, you point out that I’m single therefore I may be slightly bitter and not that wrapped up in the whole idea.

You are slightly correct.

But I’m not bitter. I just don’t get too wrapped up in the idea.

 If I receive anything on Valentine’s Day it does make me smile, but I do see it as a large excuse for over consumerism and a manipulative and shallow interpretation for a day that really should be rather romantic.

 I have scored some pretty cool gifts in the past and have had some great Valentines Days, but I have always stipulated to the boy at the time that it isn’t such a big deal, and if you have to take the time to say “I LOVE YOU” to me on that one day of the year – What’s going on with the other 364 days?

 Last year I didn’t expect anything, after two months together with ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named,’ I was actually spending the day at two family members birthdays. The first was a Dinosaur party in the morning for my cousin who was turning Five. The second party was in the afternoon for my other cousin who was turning One (The sugar I consumed that day was marvellous).

 Upon my return home, it was rather dark and I was particularly tired I got home entered the house and collapsed on the couch. After about five minutes I received a phone call ( See I had him well-trained – PHONE CALL  ) asking me if I was at home and could he come over.  He rocked up half an hour later, I opened the door and he just stood there, I glanced up to the left of the front door and saw that stuck to it with gaffa tape was a particularly large bunch of flowers. I asked him – “Oh, how lovely did you just put those there?” to which his reply was “No, I came over this afternoon to surprise you , you weren’t home so I dug around in my pockets found the tape and stuck them to the door knowing that you would find them when you got home”

 Awkward Turtle moment right there.

 2009 saw me spending the day with a large group of friends watching the Rugby at ME Stadium, going to an all night party with all the Rugby players and then having to work the next day with the hangover from hell, the excessive tiredness ensued that I may or may not have fallen asleep in the toilets at the Casino.

 Ok So I went a little off tangent right then but thought you might like to know about my most recent experiences of Valentines Day.

 The hype of the day finally arrives, Roses cost quadruple the price of what they will be on February 15th, Restaurants feel that they can increase the price of some dodgy three course meal just because they add a glass of Champers to the set menu ( Which in most cases is a glass of cheap Cava), The soft toy industry is compelled to try and make you buy a Bear  that has a heart attached to it and says ‘Be Mine” or for those who feel a little bit sexually emotive a devil  with “ I’m your Horny Devil” and then there is the naff “Book of Love” that crops up in you local Print medium, Just take your pick – “Dear Fluffy, You can butter my muffin always , Love Schnookums”.

 I was going to post a few more but the ones I found slowly made me want to vomit in my mouth so I refrained from including  you in on the experience.

After all of this the hype dies off, and those who are in relationships and got Sweet F.A are left wondering should I be with this person if they don’t even acknowledge our love on Valentines Day?

My answer for you is this. That person has seen the stupidity and commercialism that surrounds Valentines Day and decides it’s not really for them. But I reckon they are the ones that tell you everyday how much they love you and they definitely don’t need one day of the year to have to express their love and devotion to you.

 Valentines Day – Don’t Believe the Hype.

Girl Conversations 1.


Every now and then I’ve decided im going to post some of the Girl Conversations I end up having – Whether they be brief or long – So like a box of chocolates you won’t know what you’ll be getting, until you take the lid off.

Friday Night resulted in me heading over to a very close friends house straight after work for a quiet drink and a quick catch up. This ended up with us being slightly intoxicated and spending most of the evening gossiping and laughing – the laughter was nearly to the point of us crying.

Another mutual friend came over and one of the conversations that tickled my ribs slightly was this next one in a mini version.

Me to Friend 1 – ” Sooooo, you’ll never guess who came over to my place the other night?”

Friend 1 – “Who?”

Me – “The Bad Boy”( this is the name we are referring to him as just for the blog)

Friend 1 – “Hrrmmm – Next Subject.”

Friend 2 – ” So does this mean we are sleeping with him?”

Friend 1 – ” Us? Collectively? – No. No it doesn’t”

Me – “Oh dear”