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Dear Betts Shoes


Today I received an email from Betts Shoes of which in the subject line was the following :

Dear Michelle, Say “I Do” in the perfect pair of shoes.

I posted the below on their Facebook page.

Dear Betts Shoes.

I’m writing to you on here as I am unable to reply to your automated newsletter in email format that I just received. Primarily about how you really need to re-engage with your consumers, including working on your demographic when sending out Marketing emails that are clearly outlined for specific individuals in mind.

This brings us to basic PR 101 – “Know Your Target Market” Which I hate to tell you, but you failed. As a single woman, receiving and email where in the subject line it reads “Michelle Say “I Do’ in the perfect pair of shoes, I’m offended.

Your email marketing strategy presumes that everyone in your email list is getting married.

What if I were Gay ? You do know Betts Shoes, that under Australian Legislation Gay Marriage is Illegal, but then again you could send out an email about Glitter shoes and that might make me feel better.

What if my Partner had just died?  Tough luck so it seems from your end, and also I’d be pretty stuffed as your selection of all black shoes for the funeral just really doesn’t measure up anyway.

What if I just got divorced? Actually I’d either be celebrating or I’d burst into tears because the thought of marriage would just make me ugly cry (Actually you could then send the glitter shoes email to me as well).

What if I were single? This is not a What If? This is the case, I am single, I’m not in a relationship and I’m not getting married.

Do yourself a favour – get someone in who knows a little bit about marketing, and not isolating your key consumer base rather than someone who only knows a thing or two about shoes.

That or I could give you the response that I wanted to email back ;

Dear Betts Shoes “Go die in a Fire”

Regards Michelle.

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The Guyaitus


Yes well.                                                                                                                                                                                hiatus

Here we go. A Guyaitus is a made up term that my lovely friend the wrybride came up with after we chatted about the fact I have decided to go on a Man Hiatus.

Actually my best friend and I have decided to go on this Man Hiatus together. No, this does not mean we are going to turn suddenly into lesbian lovers (Even though this was a question asked a few Friday Nights back whilst we were out followed closely by “If you end up scissoring can we watch? ” ).

Please be reminded before you start to add some witty comment and call me a “Man Hater,” I in actual fact do not hate men in the slightest.  I just need a break from the bullshit.

The “Guyaitus” has resulted to recently poor choices within the males species department that we both seem to continually make.

It’s not a one off, seriously IT’S THE SAME THING EVERYTIME.

EVERYTIME.

Douchecanoes in disguise as Prince Charmings.

The last one oozed the charm, I’m talking it fell out of him quicker than a mudslide in India, and more fool me I believed every single word of it. That player basically won the gold prize in playing and I the gold in “Most gullible idiot in the world”.

No call. No Text . No Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  I’m guessing  he got the milk for free and decided it was too much hassle to hang on to the cow.

I admit I’m definitely not perfect, actually I can be a right bitch, but that’s a rarity. At least if I decide I don’t want to see you anymore I have the common courtesy to do it to your face in a public place . The reactions are always a surprise though the last one consisted of this:

Me: “So I can’t do this anymore”

Him: “ What, Stay out ? Do you want to go home?”

Me: “No. This, Us, whatever this is I can’t do this, I’ve had enough” .

Fair enough, Yes ?  Apparently not.

When questioned about what I was then off to do for the rest of the night I replied I wasn’t sure….

His reply “ Well, I’m going to sink a few more scotches and now that I’m out I may as well pick up”

Classy.

Who the fuck says that.  Boys. That’s who says that. Defensive boys who can’t handle the way of the grown ups.

You are probably thinking that my “Guyaitus” is based currently upon these two things, when in actual fact this has been an ongoing thing for around the past 18 months.

It’s actually trying and a little self destroying at times to think that the only men you find yourself with an interest in are the rather good looking ones who happened to have not received a self conscious when they were dropped upon the earth and their brains were wrongly inserted into the end of their dicks.

So for now the Guyaitus continues, until the option of not settling fades and the knight in shining armour rocks up.

New Years Resolutions Schmezolutions ..


1. Lose Weight

2. Stop Smoking

3. Stop Drinking

4.  Become Financially stable

5. Stay away from undesirable male persons.

The List  could go on.  Also ignore the above list. I am.

Also before you continue and correct my disrespect for the English Language I know I made up Schmezolutions , Im hoping it catches on for Twenty One Two (HOW SICK OF THAT ARE YOU ALREADY FOR GODS SAKE!) .

So many people see the New Year as a time to wipe the slate clean, have a fresh start, Buck up their ideas and get their shit together, I think its grand they do that each to their own . But I refuse to.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not raining on your parade if you’re one of the New Year’s Resolution Hoarders, But how often do we make these resolutions and then never follow through.

I’ve seen it.

I’ve seen the unused hired out Gym Equipment in apartments that not even a fucking Gerbil should be living in, let alone a couple who feel the need to consume cardboard flavoured cereal with a side of stomach bacteria accomapanied by a decafe weak soy latte with a splash of wheat grass. These remain untouched and in reality only make for the creation of amusing Youtube clips of the cat  running on it at full speed.

I’ve also seen the now “Non-Smokers” sneak around the corner and say ” Go on don’t tell anyone” then expect you the person who made the RIGHT decision (Even if it was for the sanity of others around you)  to ‘Bum’ them a cigarette.

ALCOHOL. WINE. BEER. VODKA. SCOTCH and GIN, To name a few. The Devil in Disguise is always going to get you. Especially if your one of “those” people who go out for  a ‘Quiet’ drink and the next day find some hairy backed mammoth in your bed, bruises in unexplainable  regions on your person and a pool of what can only be described as LAST NIGHTS KEBAB or something similar on your bathroom floor. Maybe quitting isn’t for you, how about trying out the term Moderation before you practise the art of Quitting.

Saving money is a serious Art form . I am incapable of doing this. If you can do this I applaud you. If you are male and can do this , I double applaud you.  I also want your phone number ……

Last Point MALE DOUCHEBAGS . There are so many to choose from, I’ve been there and done that as you are all well aware and so many of my Girlfriends have, along with the Blokes who go out with the Female equivalant.

It’s always going to happen. You can’t make a resolution to avoid  rubbish members of the opposite sex.

You have to kiss a lot of Frogs to find a prince.

So there will be no New Year Resolutions from me this year.

Just More Blogging.

The Singleton


This time last year I was in a Relationship.

Six months later I was turning Thirty thinking my world was ending and I was single.
Another six months on I’m still single, with a few hiccups in between (Actually they may have been bordeline of burps) BUT its ok.

The thing that isn’t ok is that the rest of my single friends seem to be dropping like flies.
Seriously, someone got a human version of Mortein (otherwise known as MAN) sprayed it around a bit and whacked a few of the coolest single chick friends I have smack bang around the head.

I may have been a contributing factor – Yes, if you have single chick friends you also have single bloke friends and inevitably they will meet each other and they will end up seeing each other.
But suddenly you end up having them grouped into the same classification as the other friends who are in relationships or are married or have kids. You end up only seeing them when they are together, this limits the conversations that you would normally have and also limits what you used to do.
No more hanging out down the pub checking out that cute dude’s butt when he walks past or having a good wingwoman to deal with “The Friend” whilst you talk to the one that is actually interesting. A Girl’s night becomes overshadowed with text messages and phonecalls to the significant other and the 4am’ers turn into “Shit its Twelve O’clock, I need to go home”.

Dont get me wrong, Im extremely happy for these ladies – more so for the fact that they deserve the happiness because of the shit they’ve been put through from previous dickheads who cant even be put into the classification of “Being a Man”.

But I go through a spate in time when I miss that. When I moved back from the UK, I had to rebuild my life get to know people again and start anew, those people then continued with the circle of life got married and started breeding, so I had to find more people to hang with, now that circle is beginning again and Im onto my third cycle.

Im trying to work out if its because Im super picky (Which to be honest, from recent experiences I really have dropped my game) or demand too much.
I like to think Im a pretty good catch, I can cook, clean, I like to watch a good game of Rugby, AFL and Football ( Soccer to those of you who are sport inept), I can handle a drink or two, Im well travelled, I have a rather ace job and the best bit …. Im a good spooner.

Then again I think I may just be having too much of a good time and the possibility of falling into that circle hasn’t been able to interject itself into my daily planner.

I know good things come to those who wait, for the meantime I’ll wait for it to come to me whilst I sip my red wine, don my Uggs and convert my verbal diarrhoea to this blog.

Day Nine. Be Proud


So today’s entry is all about  something I’ve recently done that I’m extremely proud about.

I’m proud that I’m actually starting to let go of a lot things that consistently hinder me being happy and moving on. I have finally come to realise that every person deserves happiness and that so do I.  It also stems into self realisation and what you want from life. I know that this is all a little “soul searchy-esque” But hey, what the heck. The Dog Days are over and its now time to embrace the happiness.

 

Day Eight. Short Term Goals for the Next Month


Well Im taking it as short term goals for the next month which will therefore encompass the month of November in nearly its entirety as well.

1. Even If Im not Blogging every day Im at least going to make an effort to try and finish this challenge eventually.

2. Come to the realisation that turning Thirty isnt THAT bad.

3. Putting myself before everything and everyone else. It sounds selfish, but its something I fail at consistantly. It needs to be done.

4. To finish the three books I  have started in the past two weeks but not got past the first few chapters on any.

5. Spend more time with my extended family.

6. Spend more time in my Garden ( This does not include the instances that I feel the necessity to wear a Tutu, Drink beer and smoke cigarettes in it.)

7. Make Miss Alternative WA  a top notch event with my Event Planning Partner in Crime @CarlyMayCarnage.

Small Goals, But all achievable.

I LIKE IT A LOT.

Day Seven. A Picture of Someone or Something Which has had the Biggest Impact on You


Ok Yes Im rubbish I havent posted for over a week.

This is because this part of the blog actually stumped me big time.

As much as I wanted to say it was one of my parents  or another relative or friend or a piece of music or art,  I  couldn’t make up my mind.  

I also felt that none of these people or things have made me into the person that I am today as much as what I am going to talk to you about now.

The UK.

I know. It’s a place.

But I was there for 9 years. The start of my “Adult Life” began in this place two weeks before my 18th Birthday. I left Perth with delusions of Grandeur and high expectations of a place where I had never been before and also knew no-one. I ended up in a small village as a Nanny to a family who had three children under three ( the third of which was only born a week before I landed in the UK)

This started my journey of what I thought was only going to be a year or two adventure of which in the end ended up being my life for nine years.

I met the most amazing people while I was away, had the privilege of going across to many different countries in Europe , obtained an education in quality music rather than a load of pop crapola.

I also had my heartbroken, learnt to fend for myself when there was no-one else to help me, cried at Christmas and Birthdays because there was no family but also treasured those around me that helped through the tough times when I couldn’t deal with it myself.

There are so many people who I talk to nowadays who will quite happily slag off the Motherland and its population who actually have never been there or experienced the lifestyle and the fantastic opportunities that it has to offer and I stand up for the “Land of the Queen” with as much patriotism as I would when those “Poms” would dish out and call us convicts.

I never went to University. My experiences have been life experiences of which if I had never made that great leap across the water I don’t think I would be the person who I am today